Henceforth I shall call it CMB. I truly believe that it is to blame for the mess which you are about to read.
Long ago, there was a large island in the South Pacific called The Dale. On this island lived a mad scientist and his two apprentices. There, in total isolation from the rest of humanity, these three individuals conducted bizarre experiments on marine life. Their lab was built full of huge glass tanks, aerators, greenhouses, and of course a microbrewery because, let's face it... Fish and beer just go together.
At this point you may be wondering, "Which of the three is our beloved writer and heroine in this dream?" Well sadly, I am not the mad scientist. That role is currently being played by Saul Rubinek. I am his young and attractive female apprentice. The male apprentice is a nondescript man in his early to mid 30's and ultimately unimportant as he is about to die in a horrible accident involving a catheter and a sponge.
Outside the greenhouse, there was an impressive thunderstorm building. I should have known right then that something bad was about to happen. Saul had told me and the other guy to go inspect one of the tanks which was developing an algae problem. So here there we perched on the metal rigging over a 30,000 gallon fish tank arguing about who gets to dive in and do the dirty work when an earthquake hits.
No, I don't know why he had a catheter feeding down into his lungs. Who am I to question my subconscious? All I know is that he fell into the tank and the tube wrapped around his neck and killed him. Before I knew what was happening, blood started flowing up through the catheter and into the water. The sponges that were living inside the tank started to move and grow at an alarming rate. In the mean time, the island had broken free of its earthly bonds and was swiftly floating toward the coast of Australia.
I high tail it out of the greenhouse in search of Saul to tell him what happened to Mr. Red Shirt and, of course, to warn him about the mutant sponges. He is nowhere to be found. What's a girl to do? Fortunately I have friends -- lots of them.
First things first, I fly to the mainland where a bunch of my old waitress friends are working at a Denny's. (Yes, I can fly. I can always fly. I am Eli Kinsley, after all.) I quickly explain the situation and enlist them to help me fight the mutant sponge monsters. They happily abandon their little black aprons and pots of stale coffee to follow me into battle. On my way out of the restaurant a customer and fan offers me some fried mozzarella cheese. Yum! Now I can fight on a full stomach.
Next stop is some random nightclub in Sidney where I pick up my old buddy Frank and his son Jerreth. Jerreth is all grown up now and it just so turns out that he is a powerful mage, too. Woot! Frank then phones a bunch of his groupie friends and they join my army to fight the mutants. Great! It pays to know people who know people.
My last task before heading to the battlefield is to find Bleis because I'm certain that he'll want a piece of the action. I fly the two of us to the vast field of dried and cracked orange clay where my army is facing off against the largest and smartest of the giant mutant sponges.
Let me just pause here to impress upon you that this thing is huge. It is roughly 30 feet tall and probably 20 feet wide at the base. It is a mass of writhing sponge tentacles. If Cthulhu mated with a loofah, this is what their offspring would look like. It's terrifying... just sayin'.
Okay, so we're facing off with this massive spongey monstrosity when several bolts of electricity fly at us out of nowhere. "That's not right! Sponges can't be mages," I tell myself. Then I shout for my army to fall back and fly straight at the beast. This may seem like a dumb idea to you, dear reader, but I assure you that it made perfect sense at the time.
So I'm hovering over the monster now. I look down into the middle of it and what do I see? Well, first off there are towels. Lots of them and downy soft by their appearance. Why are there towels? How should I know? But there they are all twisted up like a person would ring out a washcloth after using it only these are full-size bath towels. I guess to a giant sponge monster, full-size bath towel = washcloth. (Hey, I told you the tank had been dirty. Maybe it decided to take a bath before rampaging across Australia.) But that's not the truly weird part.
Reclining in the middle of the sponge-tentacle-towel conglomerate is none other than Prince Kael'thas Sunstrider. Noooooow the lighting makes sense! At any rate, I convince him that he should be fighting the sponge beast, not helping it. How do I do this? I'd love to believe that it had nothing to do with the fact that I'm a powerful mage and he's a magic-addicted Blood Elf -- that it had everything to do with my irresistible charm and good looks. (It was the magic.) But that's not important! All that matters is that Kael turns on the sponge beast and with a battle cry of "I hate towels!" he starts hacking it to pieces with his great glowing green Felsword.
Afterward, me and Kael made out up against a big squishy chunk of dead sponge beast. (I'm sorry Bleis. I know you saw that, but don't worry. He means nothing to me and you know he only wants me for my mana.) "Did you enjoy that as much as I did?" Kael asks me just before I wake up. "It was magical," I tell him.
And YEAH! we saved Australia.
Note to self: lay off the video games / sci-fi channel.
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